Wednesday, June 25, 2008

If I Were an NHL Hopeful

Heather B.
Defenseman. Shoots right. Born: Pittsburgh, PA, December 29, 1977. Hometown: Birmingham, AL.

Heather does not own a pair of ice skates.

She is always chosen first in P.E.

Some concerns about her lack of competition considering P.E. usually consists of one other adult and seven 12 and 13-year-olds.

Amazingly average stickhandler but very sound positionally.

Should be an above average stay-at-home defenseman once she learns to skate backwards. Or sideways. Or at all.

Wears 18 in honor of Andy Van Slyke, who as far as she knows, has never played hockey.

Lousy slapshot but pretty decent wrist shot and backhand.

Her most memorable hockey moment is the day she roofed a shot short side from practically behind the net. It was pretty awesome.

If she could have dinner with any three people she would choose Andy Van Slyke, Bono, and Lindy Ruff. (Larry is really my favorite member of U2 but I think Bono would make for some really interesting conversation.)

She's not embarrassed about anything on her iPod. She will freely admit to Hanson, the New Kids on the Block, the Muppets, a couple High School Musical songs, and every Disney song known to man.

If she could be in any movie she'd be either Marion Ravenwood in Raiders of the Lost Ark or Han Solo in the Star Wars trilogy.


NHL TEAM: Buffalo Sabres
NHL PLAYER: Henrik Tallinder
SHOOTOUT MOVE: forehand to backhand, top shelf
PRACTICE DRILL: that one where you have to stay on your feet for more than 10 seconds
VIDEO GAME: Paper Mario, N64
MOVIE: Singin' in the Rain, The Great Escape
ACTOR: Cary Grant
WEBSITE: Celebrity Baby Blog
BOOK: The Count of Monte Cristo
PUMP-UP SONG: Jump Around, House of Pain
FOOD TO COOK: haystacks (I've never used marshmallows though... intriguing)
TOY GROWING UP: Big Wheel (I never had one but my best friend Joel had a couple. We used to ride ridiculous circuits that make me wonder in retrospect how we managed to make it to 12 without getting hit by a car.)
PLACE TO VISIT: Pittsburgh, PA

Now let's hope any GMs who stumble across this realize I'm just messing around. I mean, it's a pretty convincing profile, right? I'm sure offers would be pouring in if I don't make that disclaimer.


Lee Andrew said...

Ooo, this is a good idea. You should make a draft bio for all of us!

Paper Mario. Great choice. I'm impressed.

Heather B. said...

You're more than welcome to make your own draft bio. How much free time do you think I have? :P At least I know there's one person out there who I have more hockey experience than. "Lee Andrew: Has occasionally watched parts of hockey games." :-D

And I went through a huge Paper Mario phase. I was working at Blockbuster when they started getting rid of some of the older systems and I picked up a N64 and Paper Mario for something crazy like $30. Best $30 I ever spent.

Jaime said...

What's wrong with loving all things Disney and New Kids on the Block? I will proudly say that I'm going to the New Kids concert in Sept and I am so excited!!

Vanek's Hair said...

Vanek's Hair's Draft Bio:

Vanek's Hair. 6'1" 235 (used to be much fitter) Shoots: Left Position: Left Wing Hometown: Lewiston, NY

Consummate power forward. Stone hands. Below average skater. Good size and strength makes him difficult to move in front of the net. Somewhat of a mean streak, no stranger to the penalty box. Has a reputation for trash talking opposing players from warm ups until the final buzzer. An opponent actually threatened to kill Vanek's Hair, which Vanek's Hair found amusing since he has received such threats from real murders.

Shot leaves much to be desired.

Wears either 74 in honor of Jay McKee or 97 in honor of Jeremy Roenick (As Vince Vaughn said in Swingers "It's not so much the Blackhawks as it is Roenick")

If he could have dinner with three people they would be Jessica Simpson, Anne Hathaway and Emmanuelle Vaugier (Her beauty is very underated)

He does have Celine Dion on his iPod.

He actually thinks he was in "Liar, Liar" and "A Time to Kill"

Team: Sabres
NHL Player" Thomas Vanek
Shootout Move: Crashing the Net
Practice Drill: The end of practice
Video Game: NHL 94
Movie: Caddyshack or Happy Gilmore
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Actor: Mark-Paul Goesselar
Group: None
Website: Too many to list
Book: The Vision of the Annointed
Pump up Song: What's My Name - Snoop Dogg
Food to Cook: Jambalaya
Activity Away from the Rink: Making a fool of himself
Toy: Pedal operated fire engine
Store: Bachrach or Best Buy
Place to Visit: Miami

Damn that was hard.

S.A.M. said...

Heather, I'd draft you! ;)

what a fun idea, I may have to make one for myself.. after I catch up on my other hockey blogging.

vanek's hair- I love jambalaya, what do you put in yours? mmmmmmm. cajun food. :)

Vanek's Hair said...

s.a.m. - I usually put chicken, shrimp and sausage in it. The rest of the recipe, however, is top secret.

Lee Andrew said...

Lee Andrew’s Draft Bio:
Lee Andrew. Shoots: Undetermined, he has never shot a hockey puck. He is ambidextrous though. Position: Crouched, laying down or sitting.
Hometown: Birmingham, AL

Once scored 6 goals and 6 assists in one game of NHL ‘94

He is an enforcer that shows no mercy.

Trained at the Kobra Kai Academy and the Hart Dungeon

Wears number 15 because he has worn it since he was five years old. He chose that number because…well he didn’t choose it. He wanted 12 but that punk named Mike got the number he wanted first because his dad was the coach.

If he could invite any three people to dinner he would choose: Jennifer Connelly, the Green Lantern (Hal Jordan) and Snake-Eyes.

When he sneezes his finger tips go numb for 1.7 seconds.

He has MC Hammer on his MP3 player (not an iPod) but is not ashamed.

He is too legit to quit.

U Can’t Touch Him

NHL Team: San Jose Sharsk
NHL Player: Alexander Mogilny
Shootout Move: Two Fisted Monkey Style
Practice Drill: Sweep the Leg
Video Game: Legend of Zelda
Movie: Labyrinth
TV Show: The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.
Actor: Jennifer Connelly
Group: Group of what?
Website: (everybody go there and read every single article, they are awesome!)
Book: Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Not including the Bible)
Pump-Up Song: …To Be Loved by Papa Roach (the clean version of course)
Food to Cook: Apple Sausage Pancakes (haystacks?? I’m not sure melting and refrigerating is actually “cooking”)
Activity Away From the Rink: Does the penalty box count as away from the rink?
Toy Growing Up: Nintendo (only because I wasn’t “growing up” when the Playstation 2 came out)
Place To Shop: Any online fair trade store. Wal-mart is the devil!
Place to Visit: When I find it I’ll let you know.

Heather B. said...

Shootout Move: Crashing the Net

Vanek's Hair, that is an awesome shootout move! Have you seen that clip of Alan Thicke in a celebrity game yet? He totally steals your move.

And I never would've pegged you as a trash talker (!)

: Jennifer Connelly, the Green Lantern (Hal Jordan) and Snake-Eyes

Now that's a dinner group. Not sure how good Snake-Eyes is going to be for conversation though.

(haystacks?? I’m not sure melting and refrigerating is actually “cooking”)

I don't know, it's pretty easy to burn the chips when you're melting them. Takes a lot of skill to do it just right.

What's wrong with loving all things Disney and New Kids on the Block?

Absolutely nothing! I always have a problem with guilty pleasures because I don't feel guilty about anything I like.

Jennifer said...

Love the bios!

Lee Andrew said...

Three options:
1. We only ask Snake-Eyes yes or no questions.
2. We all learn sign language.
3. Green Lantern makes one of those things you can put to your throat to talk.

Jennifer said...

Couldn't resist. This was fun!

Jennifer's Draft Bio:

She is 5'1" (size isn't everything) and has never put on a pair of ice skates. But feels that she could bring a lot of spirit and enthusiasm to the team.

Shoots: Not a clue, but I'm right handed, so I guess right.

Position: Probably next to the boards, so I have something to lean against and thus not fall down (all the time).

Hometown: Cherry Point, NC (marine brat)

Great sence of humor and personality, would probably be able to hold my ground, as I will probably be on my ass, therefore hard to knock down (ah, another reason to be glad I'm on my ass).

Not incredibly strong, but very determined.

Doesn't have a designated number, but would probably choose 10 (in honor of Tallinder) if Heather will let me.

If she could have dinner with three people they would be Ryan Reynolds, Henrik Tallinder and HeatherB (so she can meet Hank).

Has a little bit of everything on iPod. Most unusual would probably be "Get Your Head In the Game" from HSM.

Team: Sabres
NHL Player: tie between Henrik Tallinder and Paul Gaustad
Shootout Move: the "Try to Get the Puck in the Net SOMEHOW"
Practice Drill: Stay of Feet, Not on Ass
Video Game: Guitar Hero (very addictive)
Movie: has a lot of them, but I guess most favorite would be Die Hard (all of them)
TV Show: CSI (the original), Law & Order (all), House
Actor: Bruce Willis
Comedian: Ron White
Group: Rascal Flats
Website: has about 50 on her favorites, but checks TopShelf, TWC and daily.
Book: anything by Janet Evanovich or James Patterson
Pump up Song: We Are the Champions
Food to Cook: make and decorate cakes for various special occasions
Activity Away from the Rink: all my activities are away from the rink and most involve my job & my kids
Toy: Hula Hoop (I still think it's a blast.)
Store: Kohl's
Place would like to Visit: Buffalo, NY

Heather B. said...

Jennifer, you invite me to dinner so I can meet Hank and you list TS as one of your favorite websites? I think you're my new favorite commenter! :-D

And number 10 is all yours! I debated it briefly but I've never not worn 18 so I have to stick with it.

Lee, VH, and Jennifer get Top Shelf glove taps for filling out their own draft bios. I think the Sabres could solve all their current problems just by picking up the four of us. I'll happily take the league minimum and save the team some bucks. I mean, it doesn't take THAT long to learn to ice-skate like a pro, right?

Lee, does Snake-Eyes know sign language?

Vanek's Hair said...

I will gladly play for the Sabres. But not for the league minimun because I am a diva.

Jennifer said...

I will gladly play for the Sabres. But not for the league minimun because I am a diva.


Heather B. said...

Yeah, I really had Vanek's Hair pegged as more of a quiet, lunch pail player a la Jochen Hecht :P

Vanek's Hair said...

I am not a lunch pail player, more of a beer cooler player.

Lee Andrew said...

I am the lunch box kind of guy. But not the later cheap plastic ones, the old school metal lunch boxes.

I don't know if Snake-Eyes knows actual sign language but I always know what he's talking about in the comic and cartoon by his motions so he knows how to communicate in some way.

S.A.M. said...

vanek's hair, that sounds yummy. I know all about the secret ingredients, not to worry. (I was born in Louisiana, my parents are from there and about 98% of my relatives still live there- except immediate family) so yeah it's all good. ;)

I am still working on my draft bio, I think I'll have it ready later tonight- I'll throw it on my blog for fun.

and #10 is my favorite too, but not because of Hank- but rather a little guy named Pavel Bure..

TheTick said...

+5 for the Briscoe County, Jr. Reference.

I made up my own at my site. Have my baby on my lap or I'd write a bit more.

S.A.M. said...

Heather already saw it, but my profile is here if anybody else wants to check it. :)