Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Sabres Are Douchebags

Seriously. The Sabres are douchebags. And idiots. And jerks. Listen, you little bastards suckered me into thinking you were a talented young team last year. "No, no," I said when people insulted you and wanted to trade you and wanted to blow up the roster. "They're good, really. They're just adjusting. They're babies, they need time." I defended your sorry asses for an entire season. Well, no more! You are clearly a talented team. You are clearly capable of playing both offense AND defense. You are clearly capable of playing with the best teams in the Eastern Conference. You are also clearly petulant, immature little brats who insist on playing your way even when it means losing and losing horribly. I don't understand. Do you like losing? Do you dislike winning? Do you enjoy the overwhelming feeling of underachievement? Were you unhappy at the beginning of the season when you were all playing well and everyone loved you? If I were a Thrashers fan at least I could look at the roster and say, "They suck. Of course they suck. It's Ilya Kovalchuk and a bunch of other guys. They suck because they should suck." You guys should not suck. You are sucking by choice. You sucking by choice really sucks. It makes me want to kick all your teeth in and then collect all those teeth and stomp on them over and over until all I have is a pile of little tiny white slivers. Please spare me the "We're not playing terrible, it's just all going wrong right now," quotes. Do you know why it's all going wrong? BECAUSE YOU ARE PLAYING TERRIBLY! THAT'S RIGHT! TERRIBLY NOT TERRIBLE! TERRIBLE IS A FREAKIN' ADJECTIVE BUT SINCE YOU'RE (INACCURATELY) DESCRIBING THE WAY YOU'RE PLAYING THAN YOU NEED A FRIGGIN' ADVERB! I will keep watching you guys because by some cruel twist of fate I married someone from Buffalo and not Detroit so that's what I do but I am not happy. Not at all. You're a bunch of losers and I hate everyone not on Jochen Hecht's line tonight. (You guys can keep your teeth. For now.)

(Also on the STFU list tonight is John Vogl. Can you please quit complaining about having to write the blog ON THE BLOG? You're complaining to the audience that the blog is intended for. That's uncouth and also more than a little annoying. You hate the blog. We get it. I hate eating lunch with my kids every day. I feel like there's plenty of staff floating around who could eat with them while I get twenty minutes to myself. But I don't sit around at the table complaining to the kids, "Sure would be nice if I didn't have to eat with you little brats EVERY SINGLE DAY!" If you hate it so much that you can't quit griping about it, take it up with your boss. And don't tell me it's too much work to write a game story, a notebook and a blog. Someone else on your staff manages to do all three even when on the road alone. You're getting paid to watch and write about a friggin' hockey game. Boo-effin-hoo.)

I just... I don't even know what the problem is anymore. I know we've joked about the system but for whatever reason these yahoos are just not buying into it. They talk about it incessantly but they're not executing. I think they can so the only real conclusion I can draw is that they don't want to. If the system is the whole team playing good two-way hockey with an emphasis on defense, I think that's a good thing. It won Detroit a Stanley Cup last season and I think it's really the only way to win a championship. But the reason it worked for Detroit is because they had skilled guys like Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg who bought into it and worked hard at it. So if the Sabres aren't going to do that then what do you change? The system? The players? The coach? This is how bad this team is screwing with my head. I'm actually contemplating whether they need a new coach when I love Lindy Ruff WAY more than most of them. Do you change the system to fit the players and hope it can be successful? Or do you change some of the players?

I even hate Hank right now. I'm in a bad way, people. Very bad.

14 comments:

Katebits said...

Okay, I'm in a very very bad place too, but I don't think you should hate Hank. He needs you!

Heather B. said...

You're right! I don't hate Hank! I love Hank! But he's so bad at hockey! He's going to be traded, I just know it! Lindy hates him! I'm just protecting myself!

Katebits said...

Hank IS bad at hockey. It's true. But that's EXACTLY why he needs you now. He's NOT going to get traded. The Sabres still need him. He's NOT going to get traded, and he WILL get back in Lindy's good graces. Plus, I think Lindy hates ALL the Sabres right now. Hank can just lay low for a few days.

Grrrreg said...

Wow. I could write the exact same post about the habs these days. Well, except for the "I married someone from Buffalo" part.

Just don't give up on Ruff. As a fan of one of the opposing teams, I don't really like him, but he's damn good.

Erin said...

Heather! This is not the 'show me what's wrong and lift me up' analysis that I need. Everything you say is correct, but I need to know what we can do to feel better!!!!

Why does this losing feel worse than last years losing?

Pookie said...

You should not hate Hank! It's not his fault he's going through a rough patch! The rest of those bums, though? :P

(Seriously, I'm so sorry your team is making you so unhappy.)

Vanek's Hair said...

I blame "the system" But that is because I am very biased against "the system"s. The reason the sport that used to be a very fun to watch game that highlighted skill, passing, speed and hitting turned into a slow plodding, holding around the boards game is because every team has their own "The system" Paralysis by analysis is what I call it. Let these talented people (On all teams) play. Memo to coaches: Stop suffocating players in your "the system" Of course I have been registering this complaint since 1995 (Thank you Devils)

It is an 82 game season, every team is entitled to go through a rut. Of course I would like to see this rut end...sometime today.

Anne M said...

The rut is definitely sucking. The only consolation I have personally is that I haven't been able to watch much of these recent games. So I'm glad I'm not seeing all the awfulness, but even seeing one period, or a few minutes as I drift away from whatever else I'm doing to peek at the tv is more than enough.

I don't think they need a new coach, but I do think they need something to shake them up. I had been disagreeing with everyone who wants to bring up players from Portland because I think those guys should stay and develop there, but now I'm starting to think they should bring them up anyway and let some guys sit down as punishment for their terrible play. Derek Roy, this means YOU. But not just him.

Jennifer said...

I swear someone slipped them some sedatives during the 1st intermission. The team that played during the 1st period never showed up again.

Mark B said...

Wow. I never thought I'd be the even keeled one about the Sabres :P

At least they're playing better than the Bills. Right? Okay, this isn't helping. You don't really care about the Bills.

I want to call up the guys from Portland. I get that we want them to develop and do really well down there for a whole year. But the players on the Sabres are showing no fear, even when they have the threat of Gerbe, Kennedy, Mancari, Butler, Weber, etc behind them. Bring one of the Pirates up and bench the biggest underachiever and see what happens.

Lee said...

Eww, you're starting to sound like a Cubs fan.

Look on the bright side, the Buffalo Bulls are in first.

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

Wow, I thought that game was pretty ridiculous too, but damn. I guess the sky IS falling.

Kirsten said...

I'd offer to buy you a drink, but we are on opposite coasts, so I will just say that as a long time Minnesota sports fan, I feel your pain.

Heather B. said...

Grrrreg, at least neither of us are Ottawa fans? Does that work?

Erin, I think this year's losing feels worse because last year there were some obvious explanations (or excuses if you prefer), lack of leadership and changing roles being the two biggest. This year there are way fewer outside excuses at least IMO.

VH, I'm bouncing around some ideas for a post about systems so for now I'll just say I'm not sure I ENTIRELY agree but you make some interesting points.

Cornelius, we've watched that game three times in a row now so yeah, the sky is falling, baby! :)