Saturday, May 10, 2008

Henrik Tallinder, Henrik Tallinder, Henrik Tallinder

My brother recently pointed out that a Google search for Henrik Tallinder directs searchers to The Willful Caboose before Top Shelf. Now I love Kate but I cannot abide this. She doesn't love Henrik Tallinder! She wrote that Henrik Tallinder post because she couldn't think of anything else! Henrik Tallinder and Henrik Tallinder fans deserve better! I love Henrik Tallinder. I paid ten dollars to sponsor Henrik Tallinder. I wrote a post called Why I Love Hockey: Henrik Tallinder. I have a banner featuring Henrik Tallinder. I have 31 posts labeled Henrik Tallinder. Soon I'll have 32 posts about Henrik Tallinder labeled Henrik Tallinder.

Sensing my devastation, Lee looked into how Google searches work. Turns out it's based on keyword density - the number of times the search words show up on a page in relation to how many total words there are. So basically I'm getting screwed because I love Henrik Tallinder enough that I use a lot of words to talk about Henrik Tallinder and call Henrik Tallinder "Hank" instead of his given name, Henrik Tallinder. Well, that's about to change. This post is going to be clunky but dang it, it will get me ahead of Kate in a Google search for Henrik Tallinder. Because I love Henrik Tallinder. Kate? Does not love Henrik Tallinder. Remember that Henrik Tallinder! She came to you, Henrik Tallinder, out of boredom, not love!

I love Henrik Tallinder. Henrik Tallinder is a beautiful skater and I love watching Henrik Tallinder move gracefully up the ice. Henrik Tallinder is also an underrated defensemen. He had a rough season ("he" being Henrik Tallinder) but when Henrik Tallinder's on, Henrik Tallinder's good. He's not flashy, Henrik Tallinder. Henrik Tallinder will not overpower anyone because Henrik Tallinder is tall but lanky (and often suffering from broken Henrik Tallinder bones). Henrik Tallinder's game is more about being smart and in position. I love how Henrik Tallinder uses Henrik Tallinder's long reach to stretch out at just the right moment and poke the puck away from the man Henrik Tallinder is defending. Henrik Tallinder gets the tough assignments. Henrik Tallinder skates against the stars of the league and usually Henrik Tallinder does a pretty good job. If you don't notice Henrik Tallinder it's because Henrik Tallinder is doing what he, Henrik Tallinder, is supposed to be doing. Henrik Tallinder is a defenseman and Henrik Tallinder plays defense first and foremost. None of this sissy goalscoring and playmaking for Henrik Tallinder. Henrik Tallinder doesn't need your glory.

I also love Henrik Tallinder because Henrik Tallinder seems pleasant. Henrik Tallinder is very smiley and I think Henrik Tallinder is adorable when he's flashing his Henrik Tallinder grin. Henrik Tallinder also laughs a lot and I find that aspect of Henrik Tallinder to be very endearing. I think Henrik Tallinder is one of the best interviews on the team and I don't understand why he, Henrik Tallinder, is not interviewed more often. Media of Buffalo, please interview Henrik Tallinder more. More Henrik Tallinder on the radio, more Henrik Tallinder on television, more Henrik Tallinder in TBN. Henrik Tallinder for everyone! Henrik Tallinder is joy!

Remember, when it comes to Henrik Tallinder, no one is a bigger fan of Henrik Tallinder than I'm a fan of Henrik Tallinder. Henrik Tallinder, Henrik Tallinder, Henrik Tallinder. Oh, and Henrik Tallinder.

(Henrik Tallinder!)


Pictured: Henrik Tallinder

30 comments:

War Penguin said...

Wow. It's only been 58 minutes, but this has already put you ahead of Kate in the search results.

Ironically, though, if you search for Hank Tallinder, she's still ahead of you.

Also I laughed very much when I read this post.

Heather B. said...

Ironically, though, if you search for Hank Tallinder, she's still ahead of you.

Well, I know what my next post is going to be!

twoeightnine said...

Easily your best work yet.

Meg said...

Congratulations on moving ahead of The Willful Caboose, Heather. Way to go!

Kate said...

Oh, it is ON!

Kate said...

....also, hilarious post!

amy said...

This post is hysterical!

I'm getting a strange feeling that Henrik Tallinder is your favorite player. Though I'm not sure where I'm getting that from, since you've given absolutely no clue that he is.

Jennifer said...

Heather, I thought this post was GREAT!!! I will gladly take my place as Hank's 2nd biggest fan, as you have proven you deserve to be his BIGGEST FAN! Oh, and I LOVE his little lopsided grin. He is so cute!

More Tallinder blog ideas: What is Henrik Tallinder doing now that the season is over?

Jennifer said...

I bet Hank experienced a stange feeling last night around 8:59 p.m., although he probably thought it was indigestion.

Heather B. said...

I'm getting a strange feeling that Henrik Tallinder is your favorite player.

Oh, good! That is the point I was trying to make but I wanted to be subtle. I'm glad it wasn't too subtle. It's a fine balance.

Oh, it is ON!

Kate, I will cry. And I don't think I'm kidding.

Kate said...

Oh, Heather! Fear not, my threats are hollow, and clearly there is no use trying to compete with your Hank love. Even attempting to come between you and Hank would be useless and wrong. My comment last night was just the martinis talking. :P

Patty (in Dallas) said...

Hilarious post, Heather!

Google is such a pushover.

Pookie said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

There's no way Henrik Tallinder doesn't appreciate all the Henrik Tallinder love coming Henrik Tallinder's way from Henrik Tallinder's #1 Henrik Tallinder fan!

(I just tried reading this post aloud to the rest of the residents of stately IPB Manor and do have any idea how hard it is to say Henrik Tallinder a bunch of times in a row?)

Anne said...

I never realized before how infrequently we call hockey players by their real names. Hahaha.

Vanek's Hair said...

Whoa! I believe you left off a few. For instance:

When Henrik Tallinder does a push up, he isn't so much pushing himself up as he is pushing the earth down.

When Henrik Tallinder listens to a song, Apple pays him $0.99.

Waldo is hiding because Henrik Tallinder is looking for him.

magses said...

*falls over laughing*

Oh Heather, this is AWESOME

(also, you made Mirtle! Heh :D)

DS said...

And Deadspin, I think. :P

Heather, I'm grooving on the new layout and the background graphics are nifty, but they do make it a little hard to read the text at the edge where there's an overlap.

M.J. said...

A++++++++++++++++

Heather B. said...

Pookie, I usually read everything aloud before I post it so I do know how hard it is to say "Henrik Tallinder" over and over. It's also hard to type it that many times. About halfway through it started looking like total gibberish.

The pictures look fine on both of our computers - no overlap with the text - but I'll play around with it. Thanks for mentioning it, guys.

Anne, isn't that crazy? My main Hank post - the one I expected to be high - is a billion words long but I only say "Henrik Tallinder" two or three times so it'll NEVER come up in Google searches. Everyone who calls Ryan Miller "Crunchy" is screwed :P

DS said...

I'm using Safari on a Mac, Heather; that might make a difference. (Looks like it looks the same on Firefox, though.)

Meg said...

ds, I'm using Internet Explorer on a PC (only b/c I'm at work) and I get the overlap too, so maybe it's computer settings as opposed to browsers.

Jennifer said...

I think it is computer settings. It looks fine on my computer at home, but mine at work does show an overlap. As far as I know, but computers are the same, except my monitor at home is larger.

shelli said...

FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!!

Heather said...

Love it.

And congrats on making the NHl Closer on Deadspin.

TheTick said...

You not only made Mirtle, but Deadspin as well.

They probably found it at Mirtle, but hey. Links from two of the biggest. Very COOL.

Admirer of background pictures said...

Those are some cool background pictures. Whoever made them did a mighty fine job. Yup. Mighty fine job.

Heather B. said...

Vanek's Hair, your comment made me laugh but you missed numerous opportunities to say "Henrik Tallinder." For example, try "When Henrik Tallinder listens to a song, Apple pays Henrik Tallinder 99 cents." You're never going to show up on Google!

Admirer of Background Pictures, I'm on to you.

And thanks for the congrats, everyone. I was pretty stoked about the big links especially since I was sure this was going to be a stupid post and spent about fifteen minutes writing it. I promise when I'm rich and famous I'll remember you all :P

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folliculitis said...

Henrik Tallinder is one of the best players available in your class ... I am a great admirer of him and I would like to put more information

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